Embracing the Tween Years: Supporting Independence as a Middle Mom

I stumbled into the Tween Years, a year ago and as a middle mom, I am still learning to navigate the terrain that comes with this new phase of independence in my son’s life. It was a Saturday morning, and as I poured myself a cup of coffee, I noticed something had shifted. He wasn’t my little boy asking for cartoons anymore. Instead, he sat quietly at the table, his face deep in thought as he scrolled through his school’s online platform.

I felt it—a change. My first son, caught in the tween years, was on the brink of the in-between. The phase between childhood and teen-hood. As a mom with two boys, balancing work, home, and their emotional needs, I suddenly realized the years ahead were going to be different, filled with new challenges and growth. The challenge? Encouraging that independence while holding onto our bond.

But just like learning to ride a bike, letting go of that handlebar took some getting used to.

Growing Tween Pains: Understanding Their World

My son tween changes arrived with full force within the last year. One minute, he’d be joking with his younger brother, and the next, he’d retreat to his room, frustration written across his face. I found myself tiptoeing around his emotions, unsure of how to keep up with his newfound sense of self.

Tweens are like that, aren’t they? They’re experiencing a whirlwind of physical and emotional growth, and their brains are constantly developing. In those moments, I remembered the wisdom my mom once shared: Independence is scary, but it’s also their way of testing their wings.

I saw it in my son as he needed to push boundaries—what time he went to bed, how long he could spend on his device. He wasn’t just looking for more privileges; he was asserting his need for autonomy, a trait that would serve him well later in life.

Setting Boundaries Without Tightening the Reins

That’s where the delicate balance came in. I couldn’t let him have complete freedom, but I also didn’t want to suffocate his growing independence. One day, he asked me, “Mom, can I stay up until 10 to finish my book?”

I had two choices: say no and deal with the ensuing argument, or use this as a learning opportunity. Instead, I calmly asked, “Do you think that will help you feel rested for school tomorrow?”

He hesitated, realizing what I was asking him to do—make his own decision. He did stay up until 9pm. The next morning, groggy-eyed and grumpy, he admitted, “You were right.”

I found that giving him the space to make choices, even when they weren’t the best ones, was part of letting him grow. Sure, boundaries still had to be in place—like time timelimits and homework first—but those boundaries became a framework, not a cage.

Building Self-Reliance One Step at a Time

There were smaller moments too. When it came to household chores, He took more responsibility. I remember the first time I asked him to handle his laundry, and the look of horror on his face! But after a few failed attempts at separating colors, he finally got it right.

It wasn’t just laundry though. I noticed him taking more ownership over his homework schedule and even volunteering to cook dinner with me (although we ended up with an overcooked meal once or twice). These moments weren’t just about helping around the house; they were crucial building blocks in his journey toward independence.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of a Middle Mom

But let’s be real—it wasn’t all smooth sailing. Being a middle mom means you’re not just dealing with one kid transitioning through these tough years. Between my son’s desire for freedom and his younger brother’s insistence on being the baby of the family, I found myself bouncing between worlds, often feeling emotionally drained.

Sometimes, I questioned whether I was giving them both enough. Did I handle his emotional outbursts the right way? Was I showing his brother enough attention?

One evening, after a particularly rough day of backtalk and pouts, I sat down and thought about something my therapist had once told me: Being emotionally available doesn’t mean you have to solve all their problems. And she was right. It wasn’t my job to have all the answers; it was my job to guide, not control.

Resilience: Teaching Them to Rise After a Fall

The hardest part of fostering independence is letting them fail—watching your child stumble but knowing that they need to fall in order to learn to get back up.

When my son didn’t make his football team the first time he tried out, he was crushed. My instinct was to rush in, comfort him, and promise that everything would be okay. But instead, I took a step back. I simply asked, “What did you learn from this?”

It wasn’t easy for him at first, but with time, he understood that failure was a part of life. He worked harder, kept practiced every day, for the next season.

Holding Their Hand While Letting Them Go

As a middle mom, I’ve come to understand that these tween years are about building resilience—not just in them, but in myself too. Watching them grow and become their own person is as beautiful as it is challenging.

For all the highs and lows, I’m learning to let go of my fears while holding onto the hope that they’ll navigate this path with grace, strength, and their growing independence. One day, my son won’t need me to guide him through his decisions, but for now, I’ll walk beside him, ready to catch him if he stumbles.

Because that’s what being a middle mom is all about.

FAQ

1. How do I support my tween’s independence while maintaining boundaries?
   Allow them to make decisions within a set framework. Provide them with guidance, but let them take responsibility for their choices.
2. How do I manage emotional outbursts during the tween years?
   Focus on open communication and active listening. Acknowledge their feelings while teaching emotional regulation.
3. How can I help my tween build self-reliance?
   Give them age-appropriate tasks, such as managing their homework or handling chores. Gradually increase responsibilities.
4. What if my tween fails at something important?
   Encourage resilience by framing failure as a learning opportunity. Support them emotionally but let them work through challenges.
5. How do I balance my attention between tweens and younger children?
   Focus on quality time with each child and recognize their individual needs. Understand that balance may shift over time.

Please follow and like us: