Washing Away Mum Guilt
Tonight my boys said no to supper. As simple as that, they said no and only asked for a drink of water. My initial reaction was speechlessness as I stared at their dinner plate, filled with a mixture of spaghetti, meatballs with peas and carrots. My mind began to race; “how about some cereal?
I continued to stare at the plate while trying not to panic
my youngest said, “mommy, I am not hungry?”
I looked at him and said, “even cereal?” but his response was so simple, yet it triggered shock and guilt within me.
He said, “I know but tonight is different, mommy. Can I please put my plate away?”
Not sure how to respond, I picked up both plates and took them to the kitchen counter as they bounced off their seats with a gulp of water and ran up the stairs to get ready for bed.
As a mother who carefully plans meals and snacks to maximize nutrients consumed daily, I was shocked.
My mind raced with questions,
Did I give them too many snacks before dinner? Does their tummy hurt?
What did we have for lunch? Did they drink too much water this evening?
I went to the kitchen and stood staring at both plates. Mum-guilt washed over me. I was supposed to be feeding them healthy food and occasionally allowing them a treat like ice cream before bedtime. Now I did make a mistake. It was all my fault that my kids didn’t want to eat. As mum-guilt set in, my second mental response was to fix it. I must give them something to eat and make sure they eat something for dinner. However, all options of substitute meals were met with a firm NO, and then my eldest said he had a headache, and I felt a slight fever and finally could breathe a sigh of relief. Flu season is here.
Mum guilt is a slippery slope we all fall into immediately when something goes wrong with our kids or things don’t go the way we plan for them. We blame ourselves and take full responsibility for situations out of our control, no matter how unrealistic blaming ourselves might seem at the time. It is our first reaction every time. What have I done wrong? How can I be a terrible mother? Can I do better? How can I fix this? It begins a downward spiral of self-doubt, worrying and contemplation of the many possible ways we are parenting wrong and the long-term effect it would have on our kids.
To build healthy food relationships with my boys, I had always informed them to eat what they can, and it’s okay to have leftovers or not like a particular vegetable as long as they give it the “trial of one.” I started this as they got more comfortable with using their words and understanding the feeling of fullness. I never enjoyed forcing them to eat. I believe in the power of choice, education and knowledge with food which helps to promote positive, intuitive eating habits. The rational part of my brain had all this information tucked safe, and it didn’t make a difference at that point. The emotional contemplation of failings as a mother based on my boys not eating a meal was swirling in the foremost region of my brain.
One of the interesting motherhood journeys is the constant struggle between knowing that mum’s guilt will always exist and finding ways to push it away. So how do you get rid of these unfounded emotions that only serve to add to the pressures we already put on ourselves. Over the last few years, I have developed a mantra that I recite whenever I feel a wave of mum guilt creeping up on me. It goes like this;
“I am enough.
I am doing my best and learning every day
Positive emotions create good memories
Loved kids are the goal, not perfect kids.”
I usually have to say it a couple of times. Still, it always serves to help me switch focus to all the fantastic things I enjoy as a mother and how parenting was such a privilege I get to participate in daily as I cleaned up the dishes and put away leftovers. I felt a calming sensation wash over me as I slowly rinsed off each plate.
Remember always to let mum’s guilt be fleeting and never give it room to take root. Just as soap washes away films of grime and muck, use words to wash away feelings and thoughts that only serve to focus on everything wrong instead of everything good. Trust me. It works every time.
